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1.
Me: "What's the matter, singer?"
Vox: "I can't hear any playback or my voice"
Me: "Put the headphones on"
Vox: "Yeah...that's better"
2.
CBC radio broadcast engineer while miking up the drum kit for a " Cardigans" live broadcast ( they were the opener ) right before thier first single was breaking in Canada
Drummer " hey man, what are you doing with all the mics?!?!"
AE " gettign the kit miced up.."
Drummer " no dude, I just use one SM57 over the kit... get rid of all those"
AE " what?! "
Drummer " Seriously man, THATS MY SOUND"
AE " well, D U D E, your sound sucks."
3.
Two stories of local legend in which I was unfortunately not involved:
Producer:
"What's that hi-pitched tinny thing?"
Engineer:
"What? Where?"
Producer:
"Right there!"
Engineer begins soloing tracks.
Producer:
"There! That's it!"
Engineer:
"That's a hi hat, Nick.'
Also, from notoriously difficult female singer:
"I have GOT to have more SMPTE in the headphones?"
4.
"Do you really know what all these knobs do ??? "
5.
My favorite one is to me talking to a guitar player that I referred to as "Noodles" because he noodled over everything. He plays a Strat...
Me: Try it with the neck pick-up please
Noodles: ...blank stare...
Me: Try the neck pick-up I think it will blend well on this song
Noodles: ...Huh?
Me: Switch to the neck pick-up please.
Noodles: I have no idea what you mean.
Me: See these things here, those are you pick-ups, I'd like to hear this one (as I touch the neck pick-up).
Noodles: ...blank stare...
Me: This switch changes which pick-up is being used...(Then I explained ---very slowly---how a Strat pick-up switch works)
Noodles: I thought that switched the strings.
Me: ...blank stare...
RUNNER UP:
Drummer after soundcheck playback
Drummer: I don't like that kick drum sound.
Me: OK, what type of tone do you want?
Drummer: I don't want to answer that.
6.
Funny, stupid or scary?
One of the most famous musicans in the world:
" Let's just bung it down onto tape"
One of the most revered engineers in the world:
" Ok" (to assistant) "Line up the 2" please"
Assistant at one of the most famous studios in the world
" What? We dont use tape"
Revered Engineer
"Well F*&k give me a screwdriver I'll do it myself"
Assistant
"We don't keep screwdrivers in the studio, they are downstairs and the bloke won't be back for an hour"
All
"F*&k !!!!"
Later the same assistant told me that connecting the word clock cables from my master clock generator to my multiple converters would have no affect on the sound.
7.
"Fix it in the marketing"
